Friday, January 26, 2007



Tarmac Philosopher's Dream Car #1: Ferrari F430

I thought I'd take a minute to drool over a car I really really like. In fact, I positively love it. It's called the Ferrari F430, and it's quite possibly one of the greatest cars I've never driven. It seems like it would be a blast to drive, especially with that famous differential that Schumi has (or had, wink wink) in his F1 car. It looks beautiful and brilliant in the pictures I've seen. It sounds like it would be sonorous ear candy. But alas, it's one of those things I'll probably have to just dream about. That's alright. You know what they say: sometimes you can quench your thirst by thinking about Niagara Falls and Noah's Ark.

Maybe I could devise some nefarious plan to get me into the cabin of a F430. Maybe I could pretend I have leukemia and apply for one of those "Make a Wish" programs, where kids with cancer get their dreams fulfilled. No, I could never do that. I'm too honest, and that would be just plain wrong.


Maybe I could go on MySpace and start an worldwide Internet sensation called "
Buy The Tarmac Philosopher An F430 Fundraiser". No, that wouldn't work. I don't have PayPal or the popularity.

Maybe I could sell one of my legs for science, since the the F430 doesn't have a clutch pedal. That wouldn't work either. I may want to drive a Pagani Zonda some day.

Maybe I could join Danny Ocean and rob a Las Vegas casino! Naw, I wouldn't be able to keep so cool and metro while I'm ripping off the most advanced security system on the planet.

Maybe I'll just have to watch YouTube Top Gear videos and read car journals all my life while I zip around in a Toyota Yaris. But as I said before, sometimes the best thing to do is just dream.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Adventures of Malcolm MacDoogle, British-Scottish Driver
Part Two 1/2

I had a wee bit of trouble getting out of the car park today....

Friday, January 12, 2007

The Adventures of Malcolm MacDoogle, British-Scottish Driver
Part Two!

So then I sauntered over to the Jap kiosks to eat the rice and get it over with. I must say I dislike me Far East cars. They are too wacky, too "out there", and just not inspirational. So let's get this over with...


So the first car I had to pull out o' me arse is the the new Honda Accord Concept. All I have to say is "bleh". Ya, sure, it looks a million times better than their previous chunks-on-wheels, but it still won't replace a good Vauxhall.


So where did I see this car before? Ah, yes, the Audi kiosk. The new R8, methinks. Now "Acura" has their oddly similar take on the flatty, angulary sports car. Disgraceful, says I. No curves! No lines! Everything's chopped here and chipped there. Blimey!


Yeh, he's one of them strange "alternative fuel" cars. Toyota's made it. Hybrid, says they. Runs on streetlamp gas and electricity pioneered by a guy named Thom Edison, apparently. The fast-talking announcer also said something about "preserving the planet". Don't really know what the bloody hell that means.


And now to finish with something closer to decent. A "Lexus" concept that looks oddly like a cross between Porsche's Carrera GT and a seriously-broken 1980's American concept car. Can't really place it. Does me highly-evolved brain like it? Or should I down a couple of pints before I analyse it?

Phew! That's as far as I want to go with these so-called automobiles! Next time, I'll look at some German, Italian, and possibly French cars. Cheerio.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Adventures of Malcolm MacDoogle, British-Scottish Driver

Aye, it's me, Malcolm, and I'm at the Detroit "North American" Auto Show, observing the oddities that the world's carmakers are churning out this year. I started me tour of the floor with my dear friends and fellow Brits at Aston Martin.


Now there's a beauty, laddies. True craftsmanship. Made by British hands, a gift to the world from God and the Queen. The curves! The lines! The despicably British beauty that only me home can put out. Take that, Tokyo!


Now here's something that made me spew me Earl Grey all over the convention centre. What is it, says I? Is that a Mini? A big Mini? Isn't a "big Mini" sort of like a buttugly Aston Martin? It just doesn't work, me thinks. And what's with that flattish bonnet? Looks sort of like somebody at the clay modeling department at Mini worked too late a night. Blimey!


Wowie, now here's a car I've heard a lot about. The "American Muscle Car". The brash, crass, thuggy, unrefined, attitudious "American Muscle Car". It took a wee bit getting used to, but I can nicely say I like the tuffyness of this automobile. Something to relieve me of the hoi-polloishness of such cars as Aston Martins and Jaguars. As they say across the pond in America, "Nice Wheels".

Tune in next time for Part II of the Adventures of Malcom MacDoogle, reporting from the Detroit "North American" Auto Show. Toodles!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

New for 2007! Tarmac Philosopher 2.0

Yeah, it's true. I've finally returned. I whipped up a new title bar, something a little more artistic. ....And, that's about it as far as new features go for TP2.0. Good thing it's free.

The reason why I haven't been up to snuff lately is that I have trouble writing stuff when I don't have anything to write about. Nothing automotively-exciting has occurred of late. So, to cover up that fact, I will have to succumb to mostly posting frivolous things, such as interesting links I find, news, etc.

Yes, it's not the engaging, brainy literature I wanted to write, but maybe once and a while the Mark Twain in me will bubble up and I'll be able to post something worth while, like an in-depth analysis linking metaphysics to drivetrains, or maybe a report from a major car event I would be lucky to attend.

Who knows! Stay tuned.