Friday, February 23, 2007

Drive It for the Sake of Driving

The Philosopher takes a closer look at the world of supercar sacrilege.

In my spare time, which God knows is very limited, I like to browse Ebay Motors for some laughs and drools; to peruse the myriad of vehicles available to buy simply by the click of a mouse. I find it immensely disturbing that one can purchase a $250,000 Lamborghini Gallardo simply by staring at his computer screen, entering a PayPal number, and clicking “Submit Payment.” Seems rather impersonal, does it not?



I liked it better in the old days, when one would go to the certified Lamborghini dealership (not Don “Slick” Lindee’s Exotic Car Sales). You would sit down with a certified Lamborghini specialist, and talk about the automobile you wish to buy. Maybe you would peruse over some brochures, discuss the merits of an E-Gear versus clutch, talk about the options list, and have a laugh at a guy you know who’s already bored to death with his Ferrari F430.

Maybe a week would go by as you carefully chose your options; and customized the car until it was your own. You may take one of the Gallardos on the lot for a spin around the block, as the specialist taught you the various intricacies of driving the baby Lambo. Finally, you would sign numerous pieces of paper with your glorious John Hancock, and hear the specialist say those thrilling words, “Congratulations! You now own a Lamborghini.”

So it comes to mind that buying such a prestigious driving machine off the internet without touching, seeing, or hearing it seems like absolute insanity. And, frankly, it is.

But the internet’s insolence for automotive art doesn’t stop there. When you go online and “shop” for Lamborghinis, you begin to realize how disrespectful and loony people who have money really are. I discovered one Lamborghini, a beautiful 2005 black Murcielago, which was, for lack of a better term, “Pimped.” Some goon had substituted the Lambo’s engineered alloy 19-inch wheels for some bloody-awful glittery, spinning “rims”. He then put what appeared to be a 200-lb amplifier and subwoofer in the trunk, obviously adding weight to the front camber and destroying the Lambo’s balance. But he didn’t stop there. He had removed the Lambo’s headlights and taillights and replaced them with overly-chromed jewel lamps that appeared to be pieces of clear plastic picked up at the local Pep Boys. Imagine, if you please, somebody pinned the cheesiest piece of plasticized costume jewelry on the most beautiful supermodel in the world. The picture is clear.

Such desecrations bring to mind how some members of the human race seem to care more about how their cars make them look instead of how the cars look. Your average movie star, for example, does not likely drive a Bugatti Veyron because it is the most stunning, powerful and brilliantly engineered machine in the world. On the contrary: he owns it because it yells: “I’m a BIG movie star. This thingy I’m steering around cost one-point-two million dollars.”

Tom Cruise, famous movie star, was arriving at the premiere of Mission: Impossible III with his significant other. He arrived driving a scintillating Bugatti Veyron W16. It was a difficult process for Tom to park this car, since it appeared to only take about 600 gear changes. But Mr. Cruise was about to park his Bugatti and remove himself from the driver’s seat. After a series of “I’m Mr. Awesome” waves to the media and crowd, he went around to the other side of the car to open the passenger door for his significant other. Mr. Cruise reached for the door handle, pulled it, but it would not open. He pulled it again, and pulled it a little more. After 7 seconds of pulling on the door handle, a revolutionary thought came to the mind of Tom Cruise: “It’s locked.” After this thought passed through his mind, it took another 7 seconds for his significant other to realize she had to be the one to open the door. On average, it took about 2 minutes for Tom Cruise and his significant other to drive the car onto the red carpet, open the car doors, and get out of the car; all because they did not know how in bloody hell to operate it.



What lesson is there to learn from this story? Unlocking Tom Cruise’s Veyron is a true Mission: Impossible? No. The lesson is that most of the people who own these cars do not own them for the right reason.

Materialism matters to this class of humans. Instead of buying a Gallardo as an appreciation for Lamborghini’s achievement of an automotive masterpiece, the rich person buys a Gallardo so he can cruise down Rodeo Drive and have tourists stare at him, pink-faced with envy. Some rich personas go farther and not even drive the car, having it around just for showoff. What an atrocity. What a despicable atrocity.

I applaud any owner of a supercar who owns it for the thrill of the drive and who owns it for the appreciation of automotive art. Shame on those who use these cars like another piece of “bling”.

If I was a maker of cars like the Lambo, the Ferrari, the Bugatti, or the Pagani, I would want to interview the person who expresses interest in purchasing one of my products. I would sit him down in my office and ask him questions. Why do you want my product? What makes you interested in my product? What is your net worth? Have you driven a car such as this before? What are your other vehicles? What is your driving experience? When I have made enough analysis, I would decide whether he would be worthy of driving one of my cars.

Exotic carmakers should have a litmus test for buyers. The exotic car market should not be so indiscriminate, selling these beautiful machines to any pimp profiteer or yuppie mephistopheles who simply wants a status symbol to transport him to the latest swank party.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I think I will go jump into the seat of the new Lambo Murcielago LP640 sitting in the garage at the magazine offices and take it for a spin. (On a real test track, not on Rodeo *bleep*ing Drive.)

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